Tag Archives: Leadership

SGL:How to deal with Discussion Controllers

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Leading a Home Group:  How to deal with Discussion Controllers

            We are joyful that people want to participate in a home group.  They are the best environment where 80% of the church can grow through the spiritual stages of infant, child, young adult and parent.  None of the stages is more important than the others.  However, Jesus in the Great Commission wants us to become disciplers of all the nations, which means becoming a spiritual parent.  In the joy of home group, there are often people who seem to control the conversation or do most of the talking. 

            Talking is a good thing.  However, it can prevent the others from growing through the sharpening process.  So what do you do when it seems one person is talking a whole lot more than others?  What do you say that doesn’t shut down the whole group?  What concerns should a leader have so that the “spirit” of the conversation isn’t quenched?

            First, pray that you are being objective in your observations.  Make sure it’s not a personality conflict you have with the person and you would rather not hear from that person as much.

Secondly, thank them for their thoughts. Affirmation is important for almost all people.  Some talkers could care less about affirmation, but your affirmation is important to other less talkative (even timid) people who more easily shut down. In your affirmation of the talker, turn quickly to others and look for their response to affirm them.

            Thirdly, based on the thought expressed by the controlling person, ask, “What do the rest of you think?” or “Are there any other thoughts?”  Your purpose is to convey that others have an equal say and importance in contributing to the conversation.  

            Fourthly, get together outside of the group and ask the person how the group is going.  They will likely respond the group is going great (because they get to talk so much).  Ask them how the contributions of others in the group are helping everyone learn and sharpen each other (Prov. 27:17).  They may not realize others are not talking very much because they don’t have very much opportunity to contribute time wise.  Ask the controlling person if the others have helpful things to contribute and ask them if they can remember any of their contributions.  Do not do this to put them on the spot, or to feel bad, but to try to get them to think through the situation and take ownership of what seems to be going on, much like the prophet Nathan did with David in 2 Samuel 12.  

            Fifthly, talk to them afterward to help them see that the discussion is meant for everyone.  Affirm their desire to participate.  They may not realize how much they are talking or controlling.  Some talkers will humbly be much more observant.  Some may deny they talk very much. Some others may react and not do any talking for the next few weeks.  And still others may go into hibernation, because they are embarrassed that the leader felt like he/she needed to say something.  Paul’s admonition in 1 Thessalonians is pertinent related to different kinds of people, “Now we exhort you, brethren, warn those who are unruly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all. (1 Thess. 5:14)

            Finally, if nothing seems to work, help them see they are not letting others talk.  The group is more important than hurting the feelings of an individual.  The group is more important than allowing one person to control by talking so much.  The individual person must realize, “Life is not about you.”  It’s about the Lord and considering others more important than self. 

            You the leader are responsible to help all the people. You the humble and bold leader are God’s representative to raise all people to the holiness of God. All the people will need to grow, especially you the leader.  God calls you the leader to be diligent to be His agent of helping others.  Leading is your opportunity to grow.

 

 

Book Review: Leading Life-Changing Small Groups by Bill Donahue

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Book Review: Leading Life-Changing Small Groups by Bill Donahue

 
“Leading Life-Changing Small Groups” by Bill Donahue addresses the leader’s role in establishing and developing a Biblical Community.  He begins with how to establish a small groups purpose and vision. This might seem too independent from the associated Church and I would recommend that any Small Group assume the associated Church’s purpose and vision.  However, the specific purpose and vision of the Small Group might differ regarding how it will reach out to new members, serve within and outside the Church, and identify specific mission service projects.

His succeeding chapters highlight excellent insights into the leader’s role for himself and then an apprentice.  Every leader can improve his listening skills, accountability and leadership style.  Donahue provides a series of suggestions on how to grow.  Then, in the next chapter, he moves directly into developing an apprentice, which is essential if the vision is to grow individuals and grow the influence of small groups.  Every leader is a spiritual parent, who must consider how to raise up those who will participate in and multiply small groups.

He has an excellent discussion on creating a covenant or agreement for the small group gathering.  Additionally, he addresses the strategy for growth and what ingredients help that process.   Following that, he delineates what the meetings should look like and what the outcomes should be.   He has a great, lengthy and helpful list of ice-breaker questions.   His section on dealing with conflict was helpful, but could have drawn more from Scripture on some of the mechanics.

Leaders should read through this in order to identify small group dynamics.  It will be much easier to learn the easy way from Donahue’s suggestions than the hard experience of small group hard knocks.  People get their feelings hurt too easily, misunderstandings develop too quickly and people often jump to wrong conclusions.  A leader must be a spiritual parent who can discern the heart of people and that doesn’t come immediately.  Donahue’s resource and experience will develop discernment for successful small group leading.

SGL: Leading a discussion

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Leading a home group: Leading a discussion

            Leading a home group is a great means of helping people learn about the Lord Jesus Christ, develop relationships with others and begin spiritual growth in the Christian life.  Your leadership is a great opportunity to see the Lord at work in their lives, as well as your own. Let me give you four things to consider.

            First, as you lead the discussion, remember it is a discussion.  You are there for the sake of the people.  They are not there for you.  The leader will break the ice, get everyone talking in some way over an introductory topic, related to the discussion, and then lead the group in answering questions and subject matter related to the message.  The purpose is to get the people talking.  You only know what they are thinking when they are talking.  If you do the talking, you don’t know what they are thinking or whether they understand what you are talking about, i.e. are tracking with you. One of the best ways to get people talking is by asking questions, rather than making statements. Of course their comments need to be lassoed back to the main discussion of they get off track, but people remember subject matter much longer if they are talking and taking ownership of the material.

            Second, give affirmation to comments people make.  It doesn’t have to be after each person says something, but when a quiet person responds, that should be affirmed. Help people see that this is their group so they take ownership of the group. Sometimes you won’t need to say anything because people are making rapid succession of comments and the topic is developing very well.  However, you as the leader are in the symbolic position of God and we have an affirming God, when people are seeking His righteousness.  People need to be affirmed.

            Third, find something to affirm if the comment is off target.  You will often have comments that do not track with the topic or question.  That’s okay.  That’s where the person is in their thinking.  People need a wide berth for making comments.  If the comment doesn’t seem like it fits, you can always respond, “That’s interesting,” and not need to correct the person.  Remember, most people are scared to death to talk in any group about God-type things.  They will grow up and get on track quickly because the Holy Spirit is the best teacher to help humble people who want to grow.  If the comment is heresy, well, then you may need to say, “That’s an interesting comment.  What do the rest of you think?”  And depending on other comments, you may need to bring it back around to a known Scripture to let Scripture speak or say, let’s talk about that later or next week.  Christians have a crazy habit of thinking they have to correct every little detail as if God can’t handle things.

            Fourth, thank the people for the good discussion.  Friends, people today need affirmation about spiritual growth.  They’ll talk about sports, hunting, cars and politics without any bashfulness.  But they don’t easily talk about spiritual things related to their spiritual walk with Jesus.  The leader should be the affirming parent who demonstrates grace and a welcoming presence of fellowship. 

            When you lead a discussion, you are setting the table for a delicious meal and fun fellowship with the Lord.  You invite them into the presence of the King at a banquet table.  What an awesome privilege to lead.  Thanks for joining the team!

Book Review: Small Group Leaders’ Handbook J. Alex Kirk, et al

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Book Review: Small Group Leaders’ Handbook J. Alex Kirk, et al

“Small Group Leaders’ Handbook” is written by seven staff workers with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship from various college campuses.  They came together in a number of ways to collaborate and provide a current view on raising small group leaders, especially for ministry on college campuses.  Over the course of a year, they arrived at the principles and methods described in the book interspersed with their testimonies of reaching and raising up leadership for small groups on college campuses.

Developing leadership is often messy work, but leaders who are proactive and willing to be flexible can see great fruit in what they describe as a transformational community that studies the Bible, prays and participates in God’s mission together. 

I might have thought the book would be seven different approaches or seven different perspectives on small group leadership.  However, they have interacted sufficiently in person and over email and phone to form a consistent approach dealing with various aspects of transformation. Their writing styles are similar. Their stories are engaging.  Their mission is clear: to raise up new spiritual leaders.

I did have difficulty following some of the chapters, because the organization of the material was not as clear as I need.  However, it may be because I like the nuts and bolts in a handbook to be in a clear outline; I don’t like to search for the principles.  The principles are there in each of the chapter, yet they could have been summarized or highlighted more clearly.  That’s likely a personal preference.

I’m grateful for their intent and pursuit of seeking to build the kingdom of Jesus Christ in the formulating years of college students.  I’m grateful for their heart of passion to win students to Jesus Christ and their leadership to follow through the transformation of students’ hearts for Jesus Christ.  May the Lord use this to further His kingdom!

Sandusky Fiasco

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Andrew Schmutzer, professor at Moody Bible Institute, wrote an excellent article on the aftermath of the retired football coach Jerry Sandusky in the EFCA digital monthly update.  Sandusky was convicted of 45 of 48 counts against him in the Penn State sexual abuse fiasco.  It is certainly a time for soul-searching for all of us – again.  I don’t write to add judgment against Sandusky, but I don’t write to make excuses for his wicked actions.

Schmutzer said there were two lessons we should grapple with on this national spotlight.  First, there was a “collective moral failure at Penn State which revealed the danger of motivated blindness.”  It wasn’t just Sandusky, but reporting “up the chain” failed to prevent a school littered with broken lives.  Money blinded the leadership.  Secondly, there is a “problem of disenfranchised grief.” Schmutzer writes,

 

The cultural shame that kept Sandusky’s victims silent for so long, including his own adopted son, also works its poison in the ‘sacred silence’ of our churches.  Faith communities promote the disenfranchised grief of victims when sexual abuse:

·         Is not holistically understood

·         Is not intentionally named

·         Is not publicly mourned

·         Is not educationally framed

·         Is not homiletically engaged.

There are few actions that will leave a darker blot on the life of the church than sexual abuse.  My prayer as I reflect on our policies at Grace is that we never want to get close to allowing an environment where “it could happen.”  I’m thankful for the leadership implementing policies for adult/child teaching and shepherding relationships as well as policies related to male/female appearances of evil.

Let me ask you to assess what we do so that something like this would never be named at Grace.  May we always be a place where all people can feel safe and protected from any predator and that we would practice biblical discipline should any appearance of evil be noted.