Category Archives: Discussions

SGL: What is the purpose of a small group?

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What is the purpose of a small group?

Many people may have many different reasons for participating in a small group, but for the small groups or home groups at Grace, there is one purpose. There are many reasons to join and many effects, but there is one purpose.  That purpose is to fulfill the Great Commandment and the Great Commission in the most effective way.

            The Great Commandment is:

  • 37 Jesus said to him, “`You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’
  • 38 “This is the first and great commandment.
  • 39 “And the second is like it:`You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ (Matt. 22:37-39)

The Great Commission is:

  • 19 “Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,
  • 20 “teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen. (Matt 28:19-20)

When you make life about God, instead of self, all things move into harmony with His will.

People often join small groups for their own reasons, just like people do everything.  They want what they want when they want it.  We don’t know any better when we are born and we have to be disciple to God’s will. Some people join small groups because they want to identify with a group of people, or they want to learn in a Bible study, or they want the fellowship of others in a good and safe environment.  Some people join small groups because they get dragged into one by their spouse, or they join because they think they might be able to develop business relationships, or they think the leader may have something they want.

What is at the core of each of the above reasons?  It’s all about self.  I’m not condemning those reasons, because in themselves they are not bad, but they reveal motivations that are coming from a spiritual infant or spiritual child. Again, I’m not condemning those reasons, but the person has not grown spiritually to understand the purpose of a small group.  They have not grasped the purpose of a small group, because they have not been taught the purpose, or they have not been discipled to understand the purpose, or they have heard it, but have not sealed it in their thinking.

The purpose of a small group is to help 80% of the congregation become spiritual parents, who are purposing to disciple spiritual parents.

If you have the vision of discipling spiritual parents on the part of the leadership, then all the reasons people join small groups will lead to the right goal.  Spiritual infants and spiritual children always have self as the focus and that’s normal.  No one condemns a spiritual infant or spiritual child for their personal actions.  However, the leadership has to keep in mind the purpose, so the small group does not get off track and merely become a Bible study or social gathering as an end in itself. The enemy would gladly be content with that, if it doesn’t lead to multiplication.

When the purpose becomes a Bible study or social gathering (many try to call fellowship), it really is about self and the true purpose is hindered and the godly influence intended by the Lord into the community is hindered.  Bible study should always be a main focus.  Fellowship should always be a reason for small groups.  But you can study the Bible over 50 lifetimes and never fully understand all there is in Scripture.  God said through Hosea, “My people are destroyed for a lack of knowledge.”  (Hosea 6:4)  Yes!  Israel didn’t have knowledge of God.  That was the issue.  It wasn’t that they didn’t understand the divine decree or the 8 different forms of baptism  inn Scripture.  They did not know the Lord. 

Teachers who say you have to go to Bible study after Bible study often do it to control people and remain superior to them.  They like people dependent on them or the glory of having people flock to their audiences.

When the purpose of the small group is fellowship, then the fleshly result will result in remaining in the comfort zone of those in the small group.  God does not want one group of people always fit together without expanding and connecting to new people.  When people say the purpose is solely fellowship, they have the attitude, “Us four and no more.”

If you keep the purpose of small groups as raising up spiritual parents, you will keep the right balance on Bible study and fellowship.  Spiritual parents multiply and create more spiritual parents who grow by doing Bible study and fellowship.  Let’s keep growing!

 

 

SGL: How to Encourage People to Talk

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Small Group Leadership: How to Encourage People to Talk

 
 
            For people who are content just sitting and listening, how do you encourage them to talk in a small group? Permit me to over-generalize. There are some people who are extroverts and they often talk without thinking or without considering that there are other people in the room.  Then there are introverts, who would rather die than talk.  The purpose of the home group (small group) is to connect people to worship God, equip people in grace to become more like Jesus and multiply to reach the world with the gospel.  If people only sit and listen they will never spiritually advance into the aspects of equipping and multiplying.  Therefore, leaders must encourage people to talk and even take active roles of leading and facilitating.  How can a leader accomplish that?

            Why don’t people talk?  They have not been discipled regarding spiritual growth.  They had probably said something in the past that embarrassed them and they don’t want to look like a fool again.  Or maybe they gave a wrong answer and the leader or other participants made fun of their wrong answer.  They feel like they failed and no one wants to fail.  Or they want to be approved and if they give an answer that is off topic, a little “weird,” or not very spiritual, they might be found out as a spiritual fake. People are inhibited because they don’t want to look like a fool, to fail, or to be found out as a spiritual fake. It is because fearis a great inhibitor for speaking in public, even if there are only a dozen people.

            I know many people who are greatly inhibited.  They may be introverted or maybe hurt in some other situation that makes them willing to be a part of the group, but not wanting to risk saying something others will criticize or ridicule.  In any case, they will need encouragement to participate.  Here are a few suggestions to encourage quieter people to talk.

            First, get people talking with an ice breaker.  An ice breaker is a question, activity, prayer request time, or humorous illustration that requires each individual to participate and respond.  I normally use one of the above and then ask for a response from every person.  The activity or question must be easy enough that anyone can participate or answer the question.  It can be as easy as, “What kind of music did you listen to when you were growing up?”  That was from a recent Message Based Discussion Question from a sermon on “Music and Worship.”  I have also led playing the piano and getting everyone to sing a well-known song and then asking what their favorite song was.  Everyone can respond to that.

            Secondly, affirm what is said. When a person responds to an answer, verbally affirm the words, without adding to what they say.  Your affirmation can be words, a tone of “Hmhmm!” or pleasure with your face to the person.  Have good eye contact when someone is talking.  Don’t be concerned about what you are going to say next.  Show by your face and body language that you are interested in what they have to say.

            Thirdly, use simple questions to get the person talking.  Use follow up questions once they have spoken to give them immediate encouragement.  In the Message Based Discussion Questions, especially in the “Digging Deeper” section, I ask a simple question based on the message or a passage of Scripture with a fill in the blank line.  Then I ask one or more other questions as follow up questions.  The fill in the blank is something just about anyone could answer, and that gets the cogs going so they will risk answering the other “deeper” questions.

            Fourthly, when a quiet person speaks, affirm them without making an issue of them.  This is an advance on the second principle, because it means that you should not patronize the person.  People who don’t like to talk, do not want you to make an issue of them.  They want to be included with the group.  If you make an issue of their response, whether brilliant or not so brilliant, they will be less inclined to respond in the future.  Affirm, but do not go overboard in your words.  Treat the person like you appreciated what they said, but you non-verbally considered that they would know the answer like anyone else.

            Fifthly, laugh with people, not at people.  Laugh loudly to bring joy, happiness and even hilarity.  But never laugh at the person.  You can laugh at the response if it was funny, but never so that the person thinks you are laughing at him.  He will clam up and you will need weeks of assurance or affirmation to get him to talk again!

            It’s up the leadership team to help people talk.  If people don’t talk, they will never learn to disciple others.  If they do not learn to disciple others, they will never be equipped, nor will they multiply disciples for the sake of the kingdom.  It is not about the leader doing all the talking.  It is about encouraging people to talk, so they can learn to articulate (explain) biblical truth and become leaders themselves.

 

SGL:How to deal with Discussion Controllers

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Leading a Home Group:  How to deal with Discussion Controllers

            We are joyful that people want to participate in a home group.  They are the best environment where 80% of the church can grow through the spiritual stages of infant, child, young adult and parent.  None of the stages is more important than the others.  However, Jesus in the Great Commission wants us to become disciplers of all the nations, which means becoming a spiritual parent.  In the joy of home group, there are often people who seem to control the conversation or do most of the talking. 

            Talking is a good thing.  However, it can prevent the others from growing through the sharpening process.  So what do you do when it seems one person is talking a whole lot more than others?  What do you say that doesn’t shut down the whole group?  What concerns should a leader have so that the “spirit” of the conversation isn’t quenched?

            First, pray that you are being objective in your observations.  Make sure it’s not a personality conflict you have with the person and you would rather not hear from that person as much.

Secondly, thank them for their thoughts. Affirmation is important for almost all people.  Some talkers could care less about affirmation, but your affirmation is important to other less talkative (even timid) people who more easily shut down. In your affirmation of the talker, turn quickly to others and look for their response to affirm them.

            Thirdly, based on the thought expressed by the controlling person, ask, “What do the rest of you think?” or “Are there any other thoughts?”  Your purpose is to convey that others have an equal say and importance in contributing to the conversation.  

            Fourthly, get together outside of the group and ask the person how the group is going.  They will likely respond the group is going great (because they get to talk so much).  Ask them how the contributions of others in the group are helping everyone learn and sharpen each other (Prov. 27:17).  They may not realize others are not talking very much because they don’t have very much opportunity to contribute time wise.  Ask the controlling person if the others have helpful things to contribute and ask them if they can remember any of their contributions.  Do not do this to put them on the spot, or to feel bad, but to try to get them to think through the situation and take ownership of what seems to be going on, much like the prophet Nathan did with David in 2 Samuel 12.  

            Fifthly, talk to them afterward to help them see that the discussion is meant for everyone.  Affirm their desire to participate.  They may not realize how much they are talking or controlling.  Some talkers will humbly be much more observant.  Some may deny they talk very much. Some others may react and not do any talking for the next few weeks.  And still others may go into hibernation, because they are embarrassed that the leader felt like he/she needed to say something.  Paul’s admonition in 1 Thessalonians is pertinent related to different kinds of people, “Now we exhort you, brethren, warn those who are unruly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all. (1 Thess. 5:14)

            Finally, if nothing seems to work, help them see they are not letting others talk.  The group is more important than hurting the feelings of an individual.  The group is more important than allowing one person to control by talking so much.  The individual person must realize, “Life is not about you.”  It’s about the Lord and considering others more important than self. 

            You the leader are responsible to help all the people. You the humble and bold leader are God’s representative to raise all people to the holiness of God. All the people will need to grow, especially you the leader.  God calls you the leader to be diligent to be His agent of helping others.  Leading is your opportunity to grow.

 

 

SGL: Leading a discussion

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Leading a home group: Leading a discussion

            Leading a home group is a great means of helping people learn about the Lord Jesus Christ, develop relationships with others and begin spiritual growth in the Christian life.  Your leadership is a great opportunity to see the Lord at work in their lives, as well as your own. Let me give you four things to consider.

            First, as you lead the discussion, remember it is a discussion.  You are there for the sake of the people.  They are not there for you.  The leader will break the ice, get everyone talking in some way over an introductory topic, related to the discussion, and then lead the group in answering questions and subject matter related to the message.  The purpose is to get the people talking.  You only know what they are thinking when they are talking.  If you do the talking, you don’t know what they are thinking or whether they understand what you are talking about, i.e. are tracking with you. One of the best ways to get people talking is by asking questions, rather than making statements. Of course their comments need to be lassoed back to the main discussion of they get off track, but people remember subject matter much longer if they are talking and taking ownership of the material.

            Second, give affirmation to comments people make.  It doesn’t have to be after each person says something, but when a quiet person responds, that should be affirmed. Help people see that this is their group so they take ownership of the group. Sometimes you won’t need to say anything because people are making rapid succession of comments and the topic is developing very well.  However, you as the leader are in the symbolic position of God and we have an affirming God, when people are seeking His righteousness.  People need to be affirmed.

            Third, find something to affirm if the comment is off target.  You will often have comments that do not track with the topic or question.  That’s okay.  That’s where the person is in their thinking.  People need a wide berth for making comments.  If the comment doesn’t seem like it fits, you can always respond, “That’s interesting,” and not need to correct the person.  Remember, most people are scared to death to talk in any group about God-type things.  They will grow up and get on track quickly because the Holy Spirit is the best teacher to help humble people who want to grow.  If the comment is heresy, well, then you may need to say, “That’s an interesting comment.  What do the rest of you think?”  And depending on other comments, you may need to bring it back around to a known Scripture to let Scripture speak or say, let’s talk about that later or next week.  Christians have a crazy habit of thinking they have to correct every little detail as if God can’t handle things.

            Fourth, thank the people for the good discussion.  Friends, people today need affirmation about spiritual growth.  They’ll talk about sports, hunting, cars and politics without any bashfulness.  But they don’t easily talk about spiritual things related to their spiritual walk with Jesus.  The leader should be the affirming parent who demonstrates grace and a welcoming presence of fellowship. 

            When you lead a discussion, you are setting the table for a delicious meal and fun fellowship with the Lord.  You invite them into the presence of the King at a banquet table.  What an awesome privilege to lead.  Thanks for joining the team!